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Are you going to stand there all day or are we going to get this party started? asked the toy. I experienced a moment of confusion before I realized the party he was referring to was sex. After all, he was a vibrator. What else would he be talking about? Still, the thought of having sex with a talking vibrator felt weird. Almost creepy. However, the arousal that had brought on the fantasy still coursed through my veins. Obviously sensing my reticence, the toy decided to take charge. Ill tell you what to do. All you have to do is obey. Okay? I nodded. Great. Now pick me up and suck me. I experienced a moment of hesitation. Just do it, encouraged my inanimate lover. Its what I was made for. I nodded. After all, I had bought him for one purpose and one purpose only. Masturbation. And the fact that he spoke would only make masturbation that much more enjoyable. At least I hoped. Reaching into the box, I grabbed the large toy and slowly brought it up to my mouth. With one final breath, I. Friday night went down hill rapidly from there. I won the fight with the ex but lost the subsequent melee with the bouncers, then spent four uncomfortable hours sobering up in the clinically unsympathetic atmosphere of the casualty unit in Endell Street, waiting for someone to stitch up my eyebrow. It was little wonder it was raining. Any half-decent scriptwriter would have included that detail in such a scene. It was another cliché. I had been beaten up, dumped, ignored for half the night by the cast of Casualty & generally abused by the whole fucking planet, so why shouldn’t the weather stick the metaphorical boot in too? I walked the five miles home. Two reasons: I had no chance of getting a taxi to pick me up in the mess I was in, but also, I had a perverse desire to prolong my self-pity. So I walked home &, about 4 a.m., crashed out, intent on sleeping through the rest of the weekend. That way it couldn’t get any worse, right? Wrong. It can always get worse. I was rudely.
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